Heads You Lose

A Novel

By Lisa Lutz + David Hayward

From our Blog

Crazy Dave

straitjacket

On January 9, 2009 I created a folder in my Outlook program called “crazy dave.” For a few months by that point, I had been receiving a series of increasingly loopy emails from my then friend/employee and now my friend/coauthor David Hayward. It being quite some time ago, I can’t summon the precise motivation behind archiving these missives, but I do know that I felt certain that one day it would serve me well to have documents of Dave’s bizarre contributions to my inbox.

In retrospect, “crazy” might not have been the appropriate description for these missives. Please keep in mind, however, that Dave and I communicate primarily through email, and it’s as if he believes we’ve established a shorthand which does not in fact exist. Simply view these emails as a mere insight into the constant mixed messages of our relationship.

It had always been my plan on tour to read aloud from the notes with musical accompaniment. Since only three events remain and I don’t yet have a pianist booked, please feel free to turn on your local classical station as you read.

The original archived “crazy dave” exchange started innocently enough:

On January 9, 2009 Lisa Lutz wrote:
heydave,
did you ever ask your sister if she knew any trust/probate lawyers in the city?
thanks,
L

David Hayward wrote:
i don't think so. quit showing off your coding skills

Lisa Lutz wrote:
What on earth are you talking about? I swear at least 20% of your emails contain something I don't get.

David Hayward wrote:
That’s not what you told Montolio!

And that’s where it all began. . . .

Since that time I have amassed a collection of emails that occasionally educate or amuse, but more often confound. I will not attempt to assign any greater “message” to Dave’s missives. However, I have taken the liberty of dividing them under thematic umbrellas. No further commentary will be included. I submit them to you in the spirit of an editor compiling a deceased author’s communiqués. Take from them what you will.

Since most of the emails were sports-related, I’ll begin with one of those.

Sports

Saturday, April 25, 2009 David Hayward wrote:
The NFL draft is today. They need help on the offensive line. It's miraculous that they won the Super Bowl with such a weak offensive line -- almost never happens. I hope they get this guy Mack from Cal.

Lisa Lutz wrote:
Did they get Mac from Cal?

David Hayward wrote:
no but they got a cool guy named ziggy!


Educational:

On  February 9, 2011 David Hayward wrote:
"divine intervention" is when God enters into your life; "Divine intervention" is when a 300-pound crossdresser appears at inopportune moments.


Advisory:

On July 26, 2010 David Hayward wrote:
just a heads up: my memoir of this experience will be entitled vagina pants

On August 24, 2010 David Hayward wrote:
Just a heads up: "bingo or what" is my new catchphrase.


Straight-out bonkers:

On May 13th, 2010 David Hayward wrote:

thank.
caveman forget attach paper?
Oogaooga

On October 3, 2010 David Hayward wrote:
part of the power of my look is the unique blend of country & city mice

Response from David:

All the so-called crazy emails here are fully explicable commentaries, ranging from witty to side-splitting, on conversations that were going on at the time (and not just in my head). Let this serve as a warning to future collaborators: When Lisa’s at a loss for something to write about, she’s not above quoting you out of context for her readers’ amusement. Or, in this case, her own.

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