Heads You Lose

A Novel

By Lisa Lutz + David Hayward

From our Blog

My Tour Demands

Four weeks from today is the official pub date for HEADS YOU LOSE, at which point David Hayward (my virtually unknown co-author) and I will embark on what is shaping up to be quite a grueling tour. In the first eleven days we will have only one evening “off” from each other. This will be the longest stretch of concentrated Lutz/Hayward time in the history of our relationship (in its various forms). If I were forced to come up with a single word to describe my feeling at this point, it’s dread. Dread, plain and simple.

So how does one prepare for an experience so fraught with peril? How can we be sure that by day eleven, when we will no doubt be sleep-deprived, unkempt, and have aged considerably, we’ll be able face one another without the bitterness that plagues longtime bandmates and comedy teams? I don’t want to one day say in an interview to the BBC (like Keith Richards on Mick Jagger) that you “started at first to annoy me, then slowly enrage me.”

So, here are some measures I think we should take to at least give us a fighting chance to be on speaking terms by the time this tour comes to a close.

  • In airports, let’s pretend we don’t know each other. Obviously, if I’m getting mugged or injure myself, break character. Otherwise, you’re some tall blond guy in a wrinkled shirt (and it will be wrinkled) who happens to be on the same airplane.
  • I’ve noticed in the few signing sessions we’ve had that you’re getting fancy with your signature. Knock it off. It doesn’t change the fact that my name is bigger on the cover.
  • Even though we’re pretending that we don’t know each other, sometimes bringing a stranger coffee makes you feel better. It’s like one of those pay-it-forward things, which I’m generally not all that big on, but there are some exceptions.
  • If I ask you to bring me an apple, don’t then ask me if you can eat it later. Just get another apple.
  • No more blue pens. And bring your own. I’m not your pen valet.
  • Don’t deplane slowly just to prove you’re more zen than I am. Guess what? I give that to you, yoga boy. You are more zen. You win that one, I give it to you.
  • Finally, if tensions still arise, I suggest we resort to Twitter for all communication. I believe we’re less likely to reveal our dark sides in front of the voting public.

These are my demands, Dave. I look forward to hearing your response.

Response from David:

I hope you're not suggesting that you’re the Keith of this relationship. Let’s see: preening, talented-but-fragile superstar vs. weathered genius behind the scenes. (OK, maybe I’m closer to Charlie Watts, but still.) Other than that, these rules sound fine. In fact, why wait for the tour? I’m sorry, lady, do I know you?

Comments

So we fans should bring Apples to the signings?

Or M&M’s sorted by color?

I was indeed suggesting that I’m Keith. Don’t know who you are, Dave.

And, red apples will be just fine, Jesse.

By Apple, does she mean Mac? As in a nice, shiny new Mac Air—or would she prefer a desktop model? David, make sure you get the details down, she can get kinda cranky… looking forward to seeing y’all soon!

Dave, time for a man purse to carry your pens and two words for the coffee/apple situation: Starbucks Card. Have fun on your tour, Lisa and Dave!

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